Archive for the 'peace' Category

How to Unwrap the Gift of Stepfamily Peace

 

The 2nd edition of our holiday e-book, Unwrapping the Gift of Stepfamily Peace,  is out and for the next few weeks I want to include some excerpts to help you thrive, not just survive, the holiday season.

New Ebook cover

 

Today I start with the introduction to give you an idea why Heather Hetchler and I wrote the book:

“When we became stepparents we never imagined the roller coaster of emotions we would ride. We willingly said “I do” to men with children, while bringing our own kids into the mix.

Like you, we pledged our hearts and our lives to our spouses, agreeing to partner with them to parent our children. Together, we have strived to build a family based on love, faith, and commitment.

As stepparents, we face many challenges in our role and we realize the holidays can be an especially difficult time. While the season offers opportunity to bond and grow closer as a family, there is ample opportunity for hurt and disappointment.

Our book was written for every stepparent who dreams of a peace-filled holiday season. You are not alone on this journey.”

If you feel alone on your journey, reach out to other stepparents. There are a variety of online groups that offer encouragement and support. (But be careful, there are some that offer only negative support). Here are a few that I like:

Twitter: #TwitterStepmoms – a group of stepmoms seeking to encourage one another through uplifting posts

Facebook: Buckeye BonusMom: A group moderated by Lisa Teal Webb, stepmom to 3, who focuses on the positive side of stepparenting

Facebook: StepparentingSuccess: A group Heather and I started on FB to encourage stepparents with helpful tidbits

Stepmom Magazine:  helpful articles from other stepmoms living in the trenches, published monthly.

The holiday season is in full swing. How are you doing so far? I hope you’ll download our e-book to help you and your family unwrap the gift of stepfamily peace through the flurry of the holidays.

What tips can you offer that help you through the holiday season as a stepparent? I would love to hear them.

Related Posts:

Will You Celebrate the Beauty of Family this Holiday–Even if Yours is Imperfect?

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

Holiday Tip: Live by Faith: Not Fear

 

 

 

 

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Five Great Ways to Celebrate Mother’s Day as a Stepmom

One of the hardest hurdles to cope with as a stepparent is the reality that we make the same sacrifices as a biological parent but  reap very few rewards for our efforts. In his book, The Smart Stepfamily, Ron Deal gives three reasons why the stepmother role is even more difficult than the stepfather role.

“First, children tend to maintain more frequent contact with their noncustodial mothers. Second, children’s attachment to their biological mother is believed to be stronger than their attachment to their father, making the acceptance and bonding with a stepmother even more difficult. Third, because society expects women to achieve a higher relational standard than men, stepmothers feel greater pressure to build a strong attachment with stepchildren.”

We know it’s not easy being a stepmother, right? Thus, we have every reason to celebrate and affirm ourselves on Mother’s Day for what we do for our stepchildren. But we don’t have to wait and let our stepchildren’s response control our day.

It’s natural for stepchildren to honor their biological mom on Mother’s Day. Unfortunately, that could mean the stepmom gets left out.

So why not choose to create your own special day? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Spend Saturday night at a Bed and Breakfast and wake up Sunday morning to a scrumptious breakfast prepared for you. Re-connect with your spouse as you reminiscence and celebrate the good things happening in your stepfamily.

2. Find another stepmom who’s  having a difficult time and spend the afternoon with her. Encourage her efforts and talk through her challenges. Laugh together and affirm each other for the special role you’re playing as you’re making a difference in your stepchildren’s lives.

3. Abandon your house and spend the day at a nearby lake, beach, bike path or hiking trail. Absorb the beauty of nature and remind yourself of God’s love for you through His creation, His sovereignty over your life, and His willingness to walk with you through difficult times.

4. Attend your favorite church service with a beautiful corsage on, signifying the important role you play as a stepmom. Then spend the afternoon with your spouse creating a “God box” that outlines prayer concerns for your stepfamily on small pieces of paper. As you drop each concern in the box, pray for your family’s needs. Keep the box going for an entire year and re-visit the box next year to see how God has answered your prayers.

5. Give yourself the gift of relaxation with a good book, time at the movies or a day at the spa with a girlfriend. Eat at your favorite restaurant and tell your family you’ll be taking the day off from chores. Pamper yourself in whatever way feels special to you.

Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a difficult day for stepmoms. Plan your own celebration! You deserve it!

How are you celebrating this week-end? I would love to hear about it!

Related Posts:

Celebrating Mother’s Day as a Stepmom

More Mother’s Day Thoughts

Overcoming the Pain of Rejection

Learning to Accept the Things You Cannot Change

“Mom I have mono. The doctor thinks I’ve had it six or seven weeks. He says I might need to quit my job so I can finish out the school semester while trying to get well.”

My daughter’s words were distressing. A 21-year-old college student living in another state, I knew she had been sick but never guessed it could be mono. I felt powerless as to how I could help.

A few days later I received another call from my 21-year-old stepson, also a college student living out of state. “Gayla, I have bronchitis. The doctor put me on an antibiotic but says I need to take a few days off work and get plenty of rest.”

Again the feeling of helplessness came over me. Accepting my role as a mom living 250 miles from three of our children has been agonizing for me at times. But I can’t change it.

It reminds me of the years my stepdaughter and stepson lived with their mom more than 300 miles away and how helpless I felt about their circumstances. My stepson suffered from severe allergies and asthma but lived in a home with two parents who smoked. When he came to visit, we went to the doctor, refilled prescriptions, and sent instructions back home regarding the need to keep him isolated from smoke.

But the instructions were often disregarded.

I couldn’t change his circumstances. I couldn’t change the behavior that took place in their home. I could only control my reaction to it.

The stepparenting journey will inevitably bring unpleasant circumstances and difficult behavior we cannot change. Maybe it’s an ex-pouse. Perhaps it’s a rebellious teen-ager. Or it could be an unforeseen circumstance that disrupts your home, like my husband’s job loss that resulted in an unwanted re-location.

Regardless of the situation, we find peace when we accept what we cannot change, and choose to focus on our reaction and ability  to change what’s within our power.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I’ve had my share of pity-parties when I’ve cried out to the Lord about living so far from our children. I’ve pleaded and bargained with Him to change our circumstances.

But I don’t find peace there. I don’t find answers to my struggles. I find discontentment and hopelessness.

I find peace only when I go back to the Serenity Prayer and sincerely pray:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,                                                                                                             Courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.”

What about you? Are you trying to change a circumstance you need to accept? Or have you found peace through acceptance? I’d love to hear from you.

Other Posts You Might Enjoy:

Creating Healthy Boundaries with your Ex-Spouse

Coping with Stepfamily Drama

Coping with  Stepfamily Drama Part Two

As a Stepfamily, You Can Expect Challenges

Before my husband and I married, I read everything I could about stepfamilies. I was excited about joining our  families together and wanted to get a head start on how to have a happily-ever-after future.

But as I read, I was deflated by the dismal picture every book presented. I finally quit reading because I couldn’t process the negativity.  I was convinced it wouldn’t be that way in our family.

But I was wrong.

Some of our challenges were to be expected. But our biggest challenges were completely unforeseen. We could have never predicted that my stepchildren’s mother would die of colon cancer within the first decade of our marriage, leaving behind two teen-age children, angry and confused. Following her death, we never imagined facing a custody battle with my stepson’s stepfather over a child that wasn’t his, when my husband was fully capable of raising his son.

 I would have never guessed that my ex-husband would lose his complete career as a physician because of addiction, resulting in  disregard for child support payments and  feelings of detachment and confusion for my two daughters. And just as our family was finding resolution to many of our challenges, we couldn’t have foreseen the loss of my husband’s job, sending us four hours away from our three children in college – a new challenge on the horizon.

Every stepfamily I talk to has challenges. They come in different shapes and different sizes, but they’re there. In his book, The Remarriage Checkup, Ron Deal says, “…the reality of remarriage is that life in a stepfamily is much more difficult than most couples anticipate. The unique challenges of being a stepcouple work against marital success, and only those who intentionally work to overcome them find the reward they dreamed of before walking down the aisle.” (my italics)

What about your stepfamily? Are you experiencing unforeseen challenges? That’s not unusual. But here’s the question:

Are you willing to intentionally work to overcome your challenges or will you be another failing statistic?

Related Posts:

God is Enough for the Stepfamily Challenge You Face

Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Creates Bitter Quitters in Blended Families

Photo by flickr

God is Enough for the Stepfamily Struggle You Face

I just finished reading God Enough: Trusting God when Life Doesn’t Make Sense by Kasey Lowery Ewing. It’s a beautiful story of God’s faithfulness through a horrific loss as Kasey tells her story of losing her two-year-old son in an accident.

But it’s not an easy story to read. As a mom/stepmom, I can identify with Kasey’s raw emotions and personal struggle over a situation she can’t control. I understand her need to make sense of something she can never make sense of. And I admire her courage to heal her broken heart and look to the Lord for guidance for her tough questions and comfort for her pain.

Kasey writes about a close childhood friend who watched her daddy die of cancer and offers a statement her friend wrote in her grief: “It is well with my soul, but I am not alright.”

Kasey says, “This one quote resonated very deep inside me and describes how I felt that summer after Jake’s death. I was not okay, but it was well with my soul. There was a deep underlying trust that God was going to get us through.”

I”ve felt that same way with our stepfamily struggles many times – I was not okay but I trusted God would see us through. The future was uncertain but I knew God had a plan.

Can you relate? Are you facing a struggle in your stepfamily that you don’t have answers for? Trust that God will see you through. Ask Him the tough questions, expectantly waiting for answers.

As we look to a new year it’s easy to identify what went wrong last year and what we want to change this year. But if we do it on our own accord, we will fail. Only as we seek and trust the Lord for answers will we find the right answers for our struggles.

Do you believe God is enough? Did you see God’s hand in your stepfamily struggles last year? Will you encourage others and share them with us?

Related Posts:

“Will You Trust Me?” said the Lord

Making Resolutions that Count

Let Go and Let God

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

Our family leaves on an extended holiday trip in just over 2 weeks and I keep wondering how I’m going to get everything done. So, here are a few tips I’ve created to help myself maintain balance during this busy time of year – I hope you find them helpful also.

1. Prioritze your schedule to include activities most important to you. Say no to everything else and to obligations someone else can manage.
For me, that includes attending my son’s Christmas party at school, special church services, a holiday piano performance in our hometown, a few Christmas parties, and various other events. However, it doesn’t include ladies bunko night, the symphony performance, or lunch with each of my girlfriends to exchange gifts – there simply isn’t time for all that. 

2. Start each day with a spiritual act – prayer, devotional, Bible reading, listening to songs of praise, etc. to center your mind and soul for the day.
When we start our day with God in control, it allows for a God-centered day instead of a  man-centered one.  

3. Don’t allow someone else power over your emotions (i.e. ex-spouses, children/stepchildren).
Commit to staying in control of your emotions instead of allowing someone else to take that power from you. Walk away from volatile emotions or heated conversations. Engage in communication via e-mail or texting if necessary.

4. Stay faithful to healthy eating patterns and a regular exercise routine.
Get up earlier than usual if you need to, but don’t skimp on exercise and sensible eating. You will feel better and manage your demanding schedule more competently if you maintain healthy habits through the season.

5. Break down consuming tasks into chunk-size actions that can be completed a little at a time.
For instance, I easily become overwhelmed when I think about shopping for our five children in addition to parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. However, if  I choose one child to focus on until I’m finished and then move to the next child or a parent or whatever, the task seems less daunting.

6. Commit to making each day positive.
We have so much to be thankful for and if we choose to focus on the positives in our life, we will manage our schedule with greater ease. If we have a bump in the road one day, we can choose to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward instead of allowing negative thoughts to set in.

7. Read Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent’s Guide to Success – Unwrapping the Gift of Peace (an easy-to-read e-book) to find additional tips on maintaing balance and creating a peaceful season.  

There they are – 7 tips for finding balance during holiday chaos.

Do you another tip to add? Would you please share it with us?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tip: Balancing Your Time as you Consider What’s Important

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Live One Day at a Time

The Holidays Are Upon Us – How Will Your Blended Family Manage?

As we turn the calendar to November next week, we begin to think about the holidays. As a blended family, holidays bring additional stress: heightened expectations, scheduling conflicts with the ex and children or stepchildren, financial burdens, increased communication with ex and ex-in-laws, and time constraints, just to name a few.

So, how do you cope? How do you find peace through a stress-filled holiday season?

I have a resource to help you. I have teamed up with a fellow stepmom, Heather Hetchler, and we have written an e-book titled, “Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent’s Guide To Success – Unwrapping the Gift of Peace.

We are excited to offer this new resource for less than the cost of a Startbucks! It will be available October 31st for $2.99 through Amazon and other retailers. I will give you more information once it’s officially launched.
Heather and I have 11 children between our two families and understand the dynamics of blended family holidays. In our book, we offer eight tips for blended families to not just survive the holidays, but thrive through them.
It includes a foreword by stepfamily authority, Ron Deal, that says, “Heather and Gayla want to help your family unwrap familial peace. From stepparent’s living in the trenches, this booklet is packed  full of practical advice, encouragement, and perspective for your holiday challenges.”
I will include thoughts from the e-book on my blog during the holiday season but I hope you’ll consider reading the complete e-book to help you unwrap the gift of peace this holiday season.
More details to follow…
What are you concerned about this holiday season? Do you need some encouragement for your journey?
Related Posts:

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