Creating Healthy Boundaries with your Ex-Spouse

In my post last week on boundaries, I said I would post about creating healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse. So I’m re-posting from a previous blog post that gives some examples of what healthy boundaries look like. These boundaries may not be applicable for you if the relationship with your ex is amicable. But for those dealing with a difficult ex-spouse, I hope these are helpful. Many of them apply to my own personal situation. (I’m using ”he” for simplicity in each example).

1. Discuss only issues relating to the children with your ex-spouse. If he diverts the conversation to past events or other personal matters, steer it back toward matters of the children.

2. Use e-mail and texting if face to face discussions or personal phone calls are confrontational. Do not argue in front of the children.

3. Keep your meeting places public when possible. If you’re swapping children from your home and expect conflict, don’t allow your ex-spouse to come into your home.

4. Make sure your ex-spouse is clear on your expectations. Put it in writing and provide support for what you’re asking, if needed. For example, when my stepson was younger, he suffered terribly with allergies. I took him for allergy testing and it was determined he was allergic to cigarette smoke but we knew my husband’s ex-wife and her husband smoked around him constantly. We provided a prescription note from the doctor that requested there be no smoking around my stepson.

5. Don’t allow verbal abuse of any kind – toward you or the children. If the conversation gets emotionally charged, tell your ex-spouse you will hang up unless the matter can be discussed calmly.

6. Separate issues of child support and visitation. If your ex-spouse is late or delinquent on child support, don’t deny visitation. However, follow through with the court process regarding current payments.

7. Learn to recognize manipulative behavior and don’t allow it to influence your relationship with your ex.

Boundaries can be set and then adjusted, as necessary, in your relationship  They give you the freedom to allow healthy interaction without fear of being taken advantange of or manipulated. But it is our responsibility to set boundaries that work for us without alienating our ex spouse in the process.

What boundaries do you set with your ex-spouse? Leave a comment if you’re willing to share your success with others.

Related posts:

Setting Boundaries with an Ex-Spouse

Your Ex Spouse and Boundaries: Part Two

How to Co-Parent Successfully with your Ex 

Birth Order Effects in Stepfamilies

When combining two families, it’s easy to overlook the effects a birth order change can have among children. When my husband and I married, he had a first-born daughter, Adrianne, who was 10 years old, and I had a first-born daughter, Jamie, who was 5 years old. Both girls were accustomed to being the boss with their younger siblings. But when Adrianne began bossing Jamie around, the two clashed everytime.

We had never considered the birth order collision that would take place between Adrianne and Jamie. For us to expect the two girls to get along when they were both fighting for the same role they had played for years was unrealistic. Jamie needed time to adjust to having a big sister and Adrianne needed help in relating to a younger sibling who resented being thrust into the middle child position.

Dr. Kevin Lehman has written an entire book on the effects of birth order in a stepfamily: Living in a Stepfamily Without Getting Stepped on: Helping Your Children Survive the Birth Order Blender. Here’s one important suggestion he gives:

When a child who is born into one birth order lands in another position in his blended family, do not treat the child as something he is not. He may have to take on different responsibilities or play different roles at times, but never forget who he really is.

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Time helps the adjustment of birth order changes. In our family, Jamie grew to enjoy having an older sister and Adrianne learned to relate to Jamie differently than her other younger siblings.

But the effects of birth order changes need to be considered when two families merge.